THE GREAT IN BETWEEN, PART III: RELEASE

The theme for March was to release.

Participants were prompted to let go, purge, shake the dust. To clear out, cleanse, and declutter—within themselves and their environments. To consider the month of March a sweep and sorting through before the profound season of rebirth makes a bloomy return.

On a personal note, I started to release a lot of “coulds” and “shoulds.” In that: learning to release some unrealistic expectations of myself. I’m seeing how this is helping me focus and better ground myself. But my gosh: it is not easy.

I released a good amount of sweat in yoga. I released tears in the library (wrote about it here). Releasing these words felt big for two reasons: 1.) I initially was sharing reflections on motherhood more often, but once my kiddo turned one it got harder and have not shared anything introspective since last May 2.) I can be hard on myself about the fact that I am indeed sharing more of my motherhood journey via Betterish IG than my creative journey, efforts, and endeavors. The whole “should” thing comes into play (i.e. I “should” share bts on what I’m making, thinking about, gearing up for, or why I’ve stopped certain practices…).

But why? I released a lot of words on this in my journal, mainly around tending more to my truth, taking time to listen deeper, and letting go of a rhythm that once was.

Shifts and wiggles, friends. That’s what I’m feeling these days. Also this playlist that was compiled by participants of The Great In Between when prompted to share a song that feels like a release…aka the ones you can blast in your kitchen and dance like nobody's watching, or rock out in your car to after the longest day ever.

here’s what has been released from the in betweeners:

“It is insanely cathartic to release! One thing my grandmother used to do is blow bubbles. As she blew the bubbles she would say what it was she was releasing. I just put bubbles on my grocery list. I have started to make lists of physical places I need to clean out. Starting with my head, people, my phone, all of my closets...drawers, pantry, studio, the list goes on. Cleaning out stuff will take place over the next four months. I start my new career as a literacy coach with a non-profit working with schools. So excited! So, I will not be releasing all my teacher clothes. I have to also release twenty-four years of the winter layers...the wool, the heavy. Getting ready for sun, fun, and short sleeves…” A, Silver City NM

“The 1st place (thing?) that came to mind when prompted to create a map of where we’ve cried/laughed was actually my car. That has been the scene for a gentle cry, full on sobbing, major happy and excited moments, calm contentment, and much needed comfort and sanctuary. I think it has seen all my emotions, just about.” L, California

“As I anchor into Spring, I'm making space for grief and fear. I'm experiencing a lot of overwhelming changes and I'm trying to allow myself to feel uncomfortable and handle things without grace.” L, Castle Rock CO

and now, a poem:

“As part of the Contemplative Living Experience, I’ve been working on forgiveness this month—of self and others. I’ve also learned about how everyone is addicted/attached to many things in life, even if not chemically addicted by reading Gerald May’s book, Addiction and Grace. On a more practical level, a friend in Seattle recommended Ridwell, a recycling service. We’ve been using it for a few months. Releasing old items including clothes, electronics, and books. Have also tried The Happy Beetle, a local recycling resource in the Denver area.” T, Arvada CO

“I'm getting super duper close to leaving my day and I’m releasing my current structures around work. I’m redefining what I want work to look like for me, as a creative, as a creative business owner, as a sensitive empath who needs solitude. It’s daunting, as the 9-5 structure has been my life for 11 years, and it feels freeing to imagine up what’s possible when I fully own my time.” C,Westminster CO

“I have released more tears than I can count the last few months, which is why I haven't really participated in this prompt. Anticipatory grief is tough.
I have a new appreciation for how special it is for a loved one (or yourself) to be able to transition out of this world in your sleep. I am praying that this is how my sister leaves us as opposed to being rushed to the ER where they will do anything to keep your loved one alive regardless of their prospects.
How does it feel to finally let go of something?
Well, it's much more difficult to let go of someone than something. I have a very hard time seeing children who are brother & sister like I did on the plane ride back to Atlanta (just visited my sister in South Florida). It reminds me of what I am losing. I saw this mother ask her two kids, a boy and girl, to smile as she took a photo of them with her phone.
With all of this said, after mourning, I am ready to move forward and make the very best of my time here on this planet.” G, Atlanta GA

mindmapping via card pull of the gem /// **O, Denver CO**

“A book and movie I remember from childhood, *Where the Red Fern Grows* describes a way to trap a raccoon, by placing bait in a slot that the raccoon can reach with a flat hand, but with a fist (holding the bait) is unable to remove.
I’m like a raccoon holding on to the bait (my attachments). If I would only let them go (release!), I would experience freedom. To help me remember this, I’m sharing a photo of some baby raccoons stuck in a tree I took in the neighborhood back in 2019” **T, Arvada CO**

“ I feel like I've had a hard time releasing anything of late. As a relatively new mom, all of my patience tends to get funneled toward baby related to-dos, and that leaves very little for everyone else. In particular, I'm feeling a lot of rage when being told how to do things. Whether in my personal or professional life, I'm surrounded by a lot of opinionated people (myself included), but in particular, two people who can be fairly inflexible or know-it-alls. My regular interactions with these people are leaving me feeling a bit triggered, because I'm a very smart, capable person who does not need to be micromanaged. Also, my tolerance for BS has been basically zero since having a child. What I would *like* to release is the hold that other people's energy, interference or criticism has on me. This is a longstanding issue in my life, so it's not a new problem, but I'm struggling to figure out an option other than (a) ignoring / suppressing my own feelings or (b) pushing back in a way that triggers conflict. Calmly setting boundaries always *sounds* great in theory, but I've found it to be complicated with people who you actually have to interact with frequently (vs. people you can avoid if they cross your boundaries)." C, Colorado

“I am releasing shame associated with gratitude. I am disentangling pressure to be more grateful. I am also releasing the thought that I need more! I am really leaning into sufficiency. I have enough.” I, Santa Cruz CA

“getting crafty created space for focus and release” **A, California**

“I released alcohol and realized I will probably never go back. I released the image of what I felt like I needed to do and be in an effort to live more in the moment. I released waiting for others to decide what I want to plan.” M, Ohio

“I released a thought pattern holding me back --- the downward spiral. Walking the same circular thoughts over and over again as I replay all my greatest hits of guilt, shame and regret. As I anchor into spring I'd like for that to change, to catch myself before I head down these well worn paths and instead shift into the upward spiral - trying some new paths of self trust, honesty and strength.” A, California

“In the midst of releasing, sometimes you remember things you want to hold on to. Sadie joined me on the yoga mat this morning. Assisting in centering me in the here and now. This I will hold on” **A, New Mexico**

“In March, I started releasing weight, physical weight, that I've been holding onto since COVID, and since I became pregnant. COVID anxiety + pregnancy + the oblivion of postpartum life created some bad habits around my eating and locked me into an emotional eating cycle that I am letting go of. I started a gentle program that is guiding me through better habits, that feels super supportive and is helping me get back to a weight where I feel my happiest. I am actively trying to shed my emotional relationship with food and form a new relationship with it that doesn't imprison me and put me down. It's been working, and it's been freeing, and I feel like it's the biggest step of self care I've taken since having a baby, which totally annihilated me for a while. I am now coming up for air, and I feel a freedom and sense of control i haven't felt in two years *Patting myself on the back*" C, Denver CO

“When I was a kid I knew right from wrong until I realized some ‘rights’ are subjective and some ‘wrongs’ are subjective. I learned this from organized religion where, despite my inner feelings, I was told some things were definitely wrong. Murder: agree. Cheating: agree. Gluttony… not great- but morally wrong? Shellfish?? But stoning people is okay? Felt sketchy. Also God seemed to have a problem with everyone and that itself felt wrong.
It just blew my mind that God seemed to be such an asshole and also loving and forgiving at the same time. Made no sense. Like, ‘who made these rules?’ said 8-year-old me. I prayed at night but felt guilty when I prayed for myself so I made sure to pray for everyone that I could think of that might be suffering which was exhausting and never-ending. I knew I was probably leaving someone out and I knew God was judging me. “I pray for everyone with cancer and kids without food and everyone’s grandma and grandpa to live forever etc etc” I knew God knew that I just really wanted some new rollerblades for Christmas and to go to my friend’s sleepover that weekend. God must know I’m bluffing so WHO AM I and am I inherently selfish? I also truly cared about all the suffering but felt I couldn’t hold it. All the rules made the divine so stressful.
Who wrote my rules? My parents? Myself? Culture? God?
I’ve decided since then that I write the rules (she says in a voice that sounds like she knows what she’s doing)…but someone please tell that to my guilt.
LIST OF GUILTS (in lieu of a list of loose ends):
•Wanting to have time to myself
•Expecting too much of my partner even though I expect that much of myself
•Spending money
•Using plastic
•Getting frustrated/losing patience
•Using my phone too much
•Eating too much
•Not working out enough
•Taking time for myself to workout
•Feeding my 5 year old too much sugar or Ritz crackers since they’re banned in other countries???
•Letting my five year old have too much screen time
•Being too honest
•Forgetting to respond to text messages
•Not making an effort to be sociable with neighbors/other parents from school etc
•Asking for a lot of help from my parents
•Wanting to break up with my hair stylist because it’s too far from my house
•Wanting to break up with my therapist because it doesn’t feel like the right fit
•Being white
•Having a non-traumatic childhood
•Feeling smart and/or capable (braggy to even feel this way)
•Telling my five year old I don’t want to play a video game with him at the end of the day when it’s my time to catch up on dishes or just sit down
•Not connecting with partner
•Not walking the dog
•Not reading books
•Instances years in the past where I may have hurt someone’s feelings
•Thinking about sending my baby to daycare
•Not being grateful for what I have
•Forgetting to send nice things for birthdays
•Wanting what I can’t have and taking for granted what I do