THE GREAT IN BETWEEN, PART IV: RENEW
The theme for April was to renew.
Participants were prompted to notice every bud, bloom and shift in the seasons. To sharpen their shine, rejuvenate a space; to close those tabs and hit the refresh button. To brighten, lighten…then build it to last.
While outside the world was just beginning to bloom, my focus was on renewing our indoor space.
At the beginning of the month, our washing machine in our basement flooded. Ironically, we had been considering re-carpeting this space for months. But the thought of clearing everything out felt daunting, so we kept putting it off. When this disruption came along, though not the thing I wanted to deal with on a cold Saturday morning in April, I found myself welcoming it. And, no: not with warm welcome arms, but ready to purge, declutter and breathe new life into this space.
When we moved into our home at the end of 2019, this finished basement was a major selling point. Our house is small, but this basement adds an entire dimension that isn’t immediately apparent at first glance. It’s like a secret lair–and a space that has evolved to serve many purposes for my little family: one corner is my workspace (think: desk, bookshelf, bulletin board), the other is my toddler’s playspace (think: toy kitchen, music instruments and all the automobiles), my husband’s veg space (think: TV, couch); there’s also a small hallway that leads to a bathroom + guest room, and as noted: the laundry room.
The laundry room in particular is one of those spaces where things just…accumulate. The morning the washing machine was overflowing, it was cold, snowy and raw. We had to move everything up and out. It was not fun.
But now that it’s done: I’m glad. The new carpet is softer. We did some major letting go and eliminating of unnecessary things. The space feels lighter. More organized. I know where things are–it’s more functional.
Beyond rejuvenating a space, I’ve been reflecting on how the concept of renewal can take on a multitude of forms. I loved reading the varying responses to the prompt: If you could renew a subscription to an aspect or chapter of your life, what would you renew?
Here are some of the responses:
“If I could renew a subscription to an aspect or chapter of my life, I think I would renew pure moments of fun. The person who never missed a party or a chance to be on the dance floor. I’d renew my desire to be out and about, meeting new people and feeling engaged in the world. Specifically doing things just for the sake of them being fun. Not because they were connected to my work or a project or a goal. Fun, just for the sake of fun. Drinking in the middle of the day and laughing with friends while my face got a little too much sun. Staying out way past what an acceptable bedtime should be, just so that I could eat french fries in a late night diner. Moments of spontaneous fun that I never could have expected or planned. Not every day. But just on a more regular basis. Just to balance out all the rest. A renewal of fun…” K, Denver CO
“Right now, I would renew the chapter of my life when I was making art for art's sake - previous to trying to be a full time designer/artist. While I feel lucky to have it as my career, I miss having space to create without pressure. I would like to revisit that headspace to regain inspiration and release expectations and come back feeling renewed. -R, Concord NH
“I do sometimes wish I could go back to the freer, I'm-my-only-responsibility days of my 20s, as I think I would appreciate that state of being more now that I've seen the other side. I spent a lot of time and angst wondering when I would find my person, choose where to live long-term, etc. Now that I'm there, I feel so lucky, but I also wish I could have savored the experience of not knowing when I was younger, that I could have trusted in the process and believed that it would all come together without my constant, unrelenting effort to make things happen. -C, Genesee CO
“Little me at the scholastic book fair excited for summer reading challenges and time perusing the library. Reading has really fallen off for me in pursuit of other learning and to dos and I miss the slowness of time that invited picking up a good book.” -S, San Francisco CA
“The time when I had an art studio at a place called the Mattress Factory in Atlanta's Cabbagetown neighborhood…when I had a bunch of artist friends, and we were constantly creating. I was taking painting lessons, and founded a group called Art Openings ATL, and another called Atlanta Painters. I completely immersed myself in the creative process, creative energy in general, and all things art. I felt alive, and want to get back to that place.” -G, Atlanta GA
“I have been thinking a lot about the various chapters in my life specifically by locations I have lived. Sometimes I wish I could return, but know that it is not the place I miss, but the relationships. Will they ever be the same again? No…but, can they be renewed into something else? -E, St. Louis MO
“In my late twenties, I had a solid income, met the love of my life (pre kids) and we traveled together (without pandemic). Prioritizing travel and time to explore both locally and internationally is exciting and educational. We are starting to have more room for this again and I feel lighter and happy just thinking about it!” -K, Merion Station PA
“I do miss the being-a-mom time in my life. Why? It was one of the happiest and most stable times in my life. While my life is not unstable, it is subject to frequent change. Change is my friend. The better I adapt, the easier change is...I have learned in hindsight that I did a few things to my kid that were done to me. Eating habits... he was never made to eat a certain amount, but the Midwest cooking in me comes out during times of stress. Also the expectation of: this is what you do: Make good grades, go to college, make good grades, get a job, be successful and you will be happy. Yeah, not so much. He walked that chalk line but the happiness did not follow all the success steps I put out there. I was raised the same way. And don't get me wrong, being independent and productive in society are important, however, you can't be truly successful if you are not happy. There needs to be a balance. So, all that said, there may be a time this fall when I will get to renew my Mom-ness when and if my kid comes home to figure out what HE wants to be when he grows up, not what we deem will bring him success and happiness. 30 year old me might have had an issue with this, but 56 year old me knows the bottom line is he needs to be happy and having the grace and time to figure that out is a gift.” A, Silvery City NM
Some things participants have witnessed in various stages of renewal:
“My town/city is in a state of renewal. Concord, NH is an old town, full of old beautiful historic buildings. For far too long, these buildings have fallen into disrepair, untouched for fear of them losing their historic appeal. As someone who loves public art, an aspiring muralist, and loves seeing creative methods of revitalization, I'm often inpatient when it comes to the slow crawl of city planning. But as spring creeps into our town, and cafes start to bring their tables outside, I can see a new energy emerge after what feels like a 'long winter'. While still timid, and often comfortable hanging out at home instead of in town, I see glimpses of peoples' excitement for a post-covid world, eager to create community spaces again, workshop classes, and the renewed since that it's a-ok to once again be close to one another. -R, Concord NH
“My son is in second grade and preparing to be Martin Luther King, Jr. in a presentation this week. He’s researched and memorized key components to his achievements. As we rehearse his lines, I feel the inspiration and hope in our eyes for a better world. His powerful words are a catalyst for more change and standing up for basic civil and human rights. “ -K, Merion Station PA
“A letting go. Sometimes renewal looks and feels gross, like shedding an exoskeleton but that doesn’t mean it won’t look shiny and new at the end.” -E, St. Louis MO
And deeply appreciating learning the things people are renewing in their lives:
“I've been renewing my relationship with my city by designing a fun challenge where my husband and I take turns planning neighborhood dates throughout our city, ‘Let's Date San Francisco.’ We've been able to renew our love for the uniqueness of each pocket of the city after feeling so disconnected through the pandemic. Having to research and plan for fun has also renewed our creative spark.” S, San Francisco CA
“Funny enough the word renew means something really specific to me. As a librarian we renew borrowed library items and I cannot tell you how many books on books on books from not just my library but surrounding libraries I have renewed for months. The thing is these are all automatic renewals. So to renew for me this month was...to look at what I've been renewing automatically in my life. The things that maybe I keep renewing because I don't want to let go, the things that are perhaps aspirational, the things that I renew because I am truly engrossed in or lovingly the things that feel like me. It was fun and when I stopped leaning so much on the automatic renewals I began to intentionally renew my sense of self. I just ran a 5k! More on that later” A, California
“Emphasis on the NEW in renew—I've decided, for the first time in my life, to commit to going to therapy. I had been told for years that the "good" therapists don't take insurance, and not wanting to pay fully out-of-pocket, had just put it in the category of "not for me". But after having a few friends mention recent successes with in-network (on their insurance) therapists, I decided to commit to the process of finding someone who feels like a good fit. I have anxiety about making time for this as a priority, given that I don't have much *me* time these days, but I'm hoping it will be something like what Rick Rubin says about meditation—that when you add meditation to a busy life, it weirdly makes it seem like there are more hours in the day. Otherwise put, I'm hoping that by getting some tools and strategies for dealing with the feeling of overwhelm (and my predictable negative reactions to that feeling) that I can actually just be more calm and productive on the day-to-day.” C, Genesee CO
“It has been 14 years since I took the time to create artistically. I used to paint in childhood and college, picked it back up in my mid-20s, and let life pull me away. I renewed the artistic spark two months ago when chatting with old friends about wishing I could throw pottery and how I always wanted to try it. We are taking classes with a local artist weekly and while I am so very novice, I have so much more joy in my life and spend more time with friends. K, Merion Station, PA
“When I was in sixth grade I sang in the school talent show. I listened to country music at the time because, I suppose it felt wholesome and it was on the radio in my town. I’m embarrassed about it but I didn’t have much guidance music-wise as a young person. I chose to sing ‘I hope you dance’ which starts with the lines ‘I hope you never lose your sense of wonder…’
The word ‘wonder’ will always be followed by my mind replaying that song incessantly for days. But whoever wrote that song was right. (wholesome!) I want to renew my sense of wonder because we DO kinda lose it.
I had to leave my headphones at home and remind myself not to pull my phone out of my pocket on my walk this morning. I would have missed the trees that looked dead but had little buds on the end. I would have missed the pink and orange broken water balloon pieces on the suburban driveways.
I can’t stop thinking of that boy who got hit by the car at my son’s school parking lot this past week. I tear up thinking about his broken ribs. I tear up thinking about his face (full of wonder) running across the street. Red cheeks. His cheeks are always flushed. I know because he’s my son’s friend these days. They’ve been playing detective during recess. The boy told my son that God is real and even though that rubs me the wrong way, it eased my son’s mind about death- which has been worrying him these days. I know that the driver of the car lost their sense of wonder. They were in a hurry like we all are.
The song says: ‘May you never take one single step for granted.’ I see people in breast cancer awareness shirts being assholes in line for coffee. I’m not shaming them, I think we’re all them sometimes. We get rocked by the universe and are grateful and wonder-ful and then inevitably impatient and cranky.
Wonder is what I need in my art. Not completion or judgment. I am those bare trees I saw on my walk; the ones with the tiniest buds just starting. So much creativity is building up inside of me but I’m blooming a bit late. I think I can find the wonder in that- each tree has its own timing. They don’t need to all bloom at the same moment. Neither do I. Wonder is what I need when I’m impatient or frustrated. When my kids take so long to do anything- it’s that sense of wonder that I’ve forgotten. Too busy- for what? Wonder is what I need to renew in seeing myself. ‘Wow, it looks like you’re reaching a limit.’ Or you’re accepting. You’re tired, bored, a little down. You wish it was sunny or wish the day didn’t go so fast or slow. You’re feeling far away and now you feel close. Wow wow wow.
What if I remembered to be amazed at the fact that I’m looking out of my eyes? I’m breathing in and out. What a wonder.” O, Denver CO